As I begin writing my autobiographical blog and transition journal, I find myself thinking about how being transgender has already effected my creative processes. Everybody is influenced some way by their unique identity, of course. But very few people have quite as profound of a change in perspective as a trans person who comes out to themselves later in life. I am starting on month three of my hormone therapy just two months away from my fortieth birthday. Growing older with testosterone and thinking of myself as a cis straight white male has made some indellible marks upon me, and the vestiges of that perspective and those feeling can be clearly seen in my writing and artwork. But, there are clues, signs of my subconscious trans identity as well. Things that I wasn't fully aware of until now. In fact, there are plot structures that I began weaving into my great story, the Epic of Sally, that with just a tiny tweak will become profound allegories for the trans experience, from being in the closet, to coming out, to being apart from society before and after, to the altering of perspective and growth that comes with it. But, the very direction my imagination took from when I was very young is a direct result of suffering the physical dysphoria long before I knew what it meant. I spent huge amounts of my childhood pretending to be animals other than human, to get away from the pain of simply existing. Then, I found dragons. Dragons were the answer because, in being magical, they could desguise themselves as human. So, it was possible that I really was a dragon and that I'd be able to take my true form at puberty (possibly draconic puberty, which I figured might happen as late as 40 years old...). And, most importantly, even male dragons have internal genitalia, conforming to a body configuration that felt refreshing and correct to me. At the age of eight, I emersed myself so deeply into the world of dragons, I have never been able to leave it. And every story I am working on right now is a direct development from the daydreams and imaginary friends I created in the following years. ----- This post is the public part of a greater project that I am working on. To read stories from my childhood through my transition, and to support the creation of this illustrated Autobiography of a Pacific Northwest Trans Woman, please subscribe to my Patreon, and share liberally! Thank you!
In reflection of my life, this blog is going to undergo a massive transition. It will still be the hub of my work, but I am going to begin using it as my personal journal, because that is my work now. More specifically, I am going to be using it to talk about my experience as a trans woman. Most of the posts here will be of the current-events/editorial/personal-observation kind. Each with a link to my new Patreon page, where the subscription only part of the blog will be located. That blog will be updated more often, actually, and will be an autobiography proper! Starting with fun details about my birth, and going through the things I remember, including diaper changes and memory quirks, as well as how genuinely cool my family has been. This will be a rough draft, with my family's veto on any post. But my goal is to compile a book about my transition and the development of my creative endeavors. Not because I'm some shining example of a trans artist, but because one more narrative from a trans person can help give greater perspective on the diversity of human life. And, while I have had a truly blessed life for someone who neither wealthy nor famous, I have been close enough to death due to my struggles that I am personally appalled and flabbergasted that anyone has it worse off. And they do. Maybe the contrast between all our lives can help to bring more sympathy to the world of my trans siblings. Thank you!
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Memorial Illustration for Doug Smith
From the Fenworks